Once again, I find myself baffled at the lingo the kids are bantering about these days. And by ‘kids’ I mean ‘multimillionaire hip hop artists whose songs are at the top of the Billboard Hot Singles Chart. ‘ Hopelessly unhip to the jive as I am, I struggle with understanding the meaning of this testament to love and romance on the dance floor:

Song: Low, by Flo Rida, featuring T-Pain

Apple Bottom Jeans [Jeans]
Boots with the fur [With the fur]
The whole club was lookin at her
She hit the flo [She hit the flo]
Next thing you know
Shawty got low low low low low low low low

Them baggy sweat pants
And the Reeboks with the straps [With the straps]
She turned around and gave that big booty a smack [Ayy]
She hit the flo [She hit the flo]
Next thing you know
Shawty got low low low low low low low low

Analysis: The short girls, the one wearing fur trimmed boots and the underdressed gal wearing the Reeboks (the ones with the straps) both fell down on the dance floor. No one administered medical aid, as this was their usual dance move.

Everyday application of lyrics: “I’m sorry you hit the flo, Juliet. Next time shawty should watch where she goin’ (watch where she goin’.)”

Or how about this masterwork of the English language:

Song: Kiss Kiss, by Chris Brown, also featuring T-Pain

[T-Pain:]
Shawty let me holla at you
you so hot-hot-hot-hot
you think I’d be hollering
if you not-not-not-not?
I’m king of the town
you can take a look around
Teddy Penderazzdown
in the spot-spot-spot-spot
(Yeah) I got money on me
(Yeah) Baby girl no problem
(Yeah) You rolling shawty?
(Yeah) Lets hit McDonald’s
It’s T.P. and C.B.
I’m the nappy boy—ooh weee!

Analysis: Clearly, T-Pain has a thing for short girls. And I’d roll wit you, T, if I wuzn’t married-married-married. T-Pain, who is very proud of the money he’s carrying, and of being the king of the whole town, which in itself is a feat worth bragging about, advertises that he’s taking shawty to McDonald’s. And that he’s nappy. T-Pain is woefully ignorant of the difference between being proud of a major accomplishment, and being proud of being nappy and taking one’s shawty to McDonald’s.

Everyday application of lyrics: It’s KH and WH! I haven’t had a shower today! Weeeeeee!

But the winner, the all-time, Shakespearean, grandiose piece de resistance is this little gem (God bless your little heart Soulja Boy):

Song: Crank Dat, by Soulja Boy

Soulja Boy up in it (OH!)
Watch Me Crank It
Watch Me Roll
Watch Me Crank Dat Soulja Boy,
That Super Man Dat (OH!)
Now Watch Me Do
(Crank Dat Soulja )
Now Watch Me Do
(Crank Dat Soulja )
Now Watch Me Do
(Crank Dat Soulja )
Now Watch Me Do
(Crank Dat Soulja )

BUT WAIT! THERE’S MORE!

Soulja Boy up in it (OH!)
Watch Me Lean And Watch Me Rock
Super Man Dat (OH!)
Then Watch Me Crank Dat Robocop
Super Fresh, Now Watch Me Jock
Jocking On Them Haterz Man
When I Do Dat Soulja Boy
I Lean To The Left And Crank Dat Dance
(Now You)
I’m Jocking On Yo Bitch Ass
And If We Get The Fightin
Then I’m Cocking On Your Bitch
You Catch Me At Yo Local Party
Yes I Crank It Everyday
Haterz Get Mad Cuz
“I Got Me Some Bathin Apes”

Analysis: Crank dat, jocking on yo, bathin’ apes, lean to the left, crank it everyday, watch me do, crank dat dance once more, super fresh, hibbidy jibbidy, la la la BATHIN’ APES.

Everyday application of lyrics: I’m jocking on yo bitch ass. Twenty dollars on pump four, please. Super Man dat. I GOT ME SOME BATHIN APES. Thanks, you have a good day, too.