Something very strange.

I knew there would be changes, he told me there would be changes. I expected him to miss us, to appreciate the noise and the housecleaning and meals provided. I expected him to relish the solitude, but welcome us back with open arms.

Let me throw some numbers and words and phrases atchya.

15 - That’s how many pounds Will lost while we were in San Antonio.

Clean, immaculately clean - That’s how I described my kitchen, my living room, my bedroom and my bathroom when we arrived at 11 pm last night.

3 - That’s how many days Will took off work, to spend quality time with his kids when he can, secure in his manhood, cuz he’s a real man.

: That’s the face I had when I arrived in Sandpoint last night. My mind was blown to pieces. I literally had to walk around the house, picking up the fragments of my mind, run to the hospital for emergency brain surgery, and return only to have my mind blown again by the pretty orchids on the table and the sweet demeanor of my usually sour husband.

It was all very shocking. After the brain surgery I had a stroke from the sheer surprise of the changes. Guess what we had for dinner tonight? Eggplant mush with tomatoes. And salad. Anyone who knows my husband, who often goes by the nickname ‘Heart-Attack-Waiting-To-Happen-Will’ will be just as shocked as I am over the changes. And after you pick yourself up off the floor, and decide not to sue me for inducing your surprise swoon, you’ll take the following advice:

Let your husband/wife/live-in lover/significant other/partner/friend with privileges/most favorite loved one* get a month sabbatical every now and then. Trust me. TRUST ME. It will be worth it.

So the word on the street (Harrison Street) is that Mr. Man had some epiphanies while we were gone. Ones that involve being healthier and enjoying his family more and keeping our home clean and welcoming. HE CANCELED HIS SUBSCRIPTION TO HIS ADDICTIVE ONLINE CRAP VIDEO GAME. Are you understanding the words coming out of my mouf? Do you know what it’s like to come home to a man who looks like your husband, minus 15 pounds, sounds like your husband, minus the swearing and growling, acts like your husband, except that he doesn’t and then makes the effort to spend quality time with his kids when he can secure in he’s manhood, cuz he’s a real man?

Exactly. Somebody murdered my husband, made a lifelike mask of his face, and then moved into my home in order to have sex with me. Color me flattered.

*Do not give your favorite loved one a month sabbatical if said loved one is your child or your pet. Unless they are really bad.