People ask me all the time:

MC Khrysttsee, how did you become North Idaho’s indisputable dominant freestyle rapper?

I always tell them the truth, I was born to rock the mic with my ill rhymes. But becoming North Idaho’s sickest freestyle rapper wasn’t an ez task, yo. It took me years to hone my technique, rapping in the alleys, in the clubs, in the Panhandler Family Diner that’s not open on Sundays cuz Sundays are a special time for families. Fortunately for all y’all wannabees, I’ve compiled this dope list of fresh tips and inspirations to help y’all become your regional area’s phattest freestyler (tips not valid in North Idaho.)

How to become a predominant freestyle rapper like me, MC Khrysttee, and also Eminen.

1. Watch 8 Mile all the time. This movie is the one with Eminem, not Tom Hanks and that big black guy with the mouse. That other movie will not teach you how to rap. This is very important, the other mile movie is about living in jail with a mouse and a big black man, not about rapping.

2. If you don’t know what rapping is, you should look it up on youtube. I like to watch good rappers like The Fat Boys and Weird Al and the part of Thriller where Vincent Price does his rap.

3. Practice your rhymes. The first thing to know about having a rap battle is that you are expected to rhyme. Rhyming is when you say something that sounds like something you just said, but isn’t the same thing. Like ‘rap’ and ’shap.’ Shap isn’t a great example, because it’s not a real word, but sometimes it’s ok to use words that aren’t real because your audience will think it was real if you said it emphatically.

4. Freestyle for fun. Here’s a rhyme I’m making up right now:

I’m writin’ this list to help ya wich y’all rhymes
I like chocolate cookies, I eat them all the times
I don’t like beans and I don’t like babies
I wash up real good cuz I don’t want scabies
See? Easy!

5. After you feel comfortable rapping to yourself or your stuffed animals piled up on your bed, you need to start practicing your ‘diss.’ A ‘diss’ is a slam to your opponent. Here are some good ways to disrespect the other rapper:

*make fun of their weight or any other sensitive aspect of their appearance

*accuse them of being child abusers

*call them a rapist

*tell them you’re sleeping with their spouse, and that the two of you have concieved a love child

*shoot their dog

*do an elaborate mime of falling asleep out of boredom on their turn

*turn your back on them when it’s their turn, like they don’t even exist to you

6. Every time you do a rhyme that you’re proud of, you need to walk over to your opponent and drop the mic at their feet. This is very effective for conveying how good you are. Just be sure to pick it back up for your next turn, so the audience will hear you.

7. When the rap battle is over, the audience will pick a winner. If you have followed my steps, you will be the winner. Be gracious by doffing your hat to your opponent like an old-timey gentleman. Then offer to shake his hand, but take away your hand and run your fingers through your hair instead.

CONGRATULATIONS! You are a freestyle rapper! Now please send $19.99 to my house for giving you these tips.

Thank you.