Stream of consciousness blogging. Mostly about monsters.
Apr 23rd, 2008 by Kristi
I really want to do a post because everyone hates a blogger who doesn’t write…hate is a strong word, ignores would be a better word and I don’t want to be ignored, except by people who smell bad and also by people who I don’t like and maybe by monsters if they existed.
I never saw the movie Monster because Charlize Theron with bad teeth and no eyebrows scares me, and also I don’t care for movies in which the main character is a serial killer. Also Christina Ricci bothers me with her big head and tiny face and wee little body which was clearly obtained through anorexic means.
If I were anorexic I would stop being anorexic before I got freaky thin. If I were a monster I’d not kill people, I would just scare them or tell them they’re fat. If I were an anorexic monster I would wear cute skinny jeans that were high waisted and also five inch stilettos to flaunt my skinny monster legs. And I would only hang out with other anorexic monsters and mock all the fat monsters who have to wear plus size monster clothes from Walmart. In this sense I would be both an actual monster and a psychological monster, which is the best kind of monster to be. What I wouldn’t be is a monster without eyebrows, which is the least best kind of monster to be. Also known as the worst.
Tweezing eyebrows is also the worst. It hurts which is why I’m glad the big eyebrow look is back in style. Me and my chic monster friends will have huge eyebrows and we’ll make fun of all the stupid monster girls with their skinny little nicely arched brows. In real life I can’t do the big eyebrow look because I don’t have enough eyebrow, unless I utilized some sort of pencil device or did an eyebrow transplant, but I think that would be taking things a little too far.
When I was in college I had to do some lame speech for a American cultural studies class and for SOME REASON this one guy thought it would be appropriate to do his project about the time he got hair transplants, complete with gory pictures compiled in a notebook that he shared with his appalled classmates. If I were a monster I would consider eating a person who would do such a thing, except that I would be anorexic so people would not be in my diet. But I would be very tempted.
The end.
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I think I’d want to be an anorexic monster, just so we could be friends. I like the way you think, sista.
I quite enjoyed Monster simply because it makes such a refreshing change for the serial killer to be female. I once had an arrogant date tell me that most serial killers are male because they are the stronger sex. Nonsense, I replied, it’s because we females are too smart to get caught. That shut him up and stopped him asking for a second date.
Oh, and I’m still sulking and fixating on the photo-loading issues on WordPress 2.5. Can your oh-so-clever hubby perhaps pop over there and fix the problem for the bunch of nitwit coders who haven’t come up with a fix for the past two weeks?
And here I am stuck with the Bulimic Monster. It’s hard to know what to do with it.
I like to put people like christina ricci and janeane garrafalo into a little category i call “sold out”. because they looked better when their bodies were a normal size. and by “normal” i mean normal in the 80’s when average size was closer to 12 than zero.
ARGH.
Small bodies + big heads = not cute.
You knew a guy who got hair transplants? In college? That seems so young…has he had a hip replacement yet?