If you’re like me, you’ve carefully trained your loved ones to do stupid tricks and make complete jackasses of themselves upon hearing certain triggers. Here are a few of my favorites. Enjoy.

1. A flick of a little tinkly bell gets everyone salivating for meals.

2. If I pinch up my nose like a pig snout, the kids are immediately compelled to get ready for their baths.

3. Me showing up outside bedroom windows wearing a hockey mask and wielding a bloodied ax triggers the compulsion the clean up untidy rooms.

4. I’ve trained Will to sing the theme song to Gimme a Break in his best Nell Carter voice every time I say the words ‘Princess Buttercup.’

5. Three taps on the kitchen counter gets me an pig-latinized aria from Madam Butterfly from Charlie.

6. A double wink and a hip bump from me makes everyone in the family hold their breath until they pass out. Finally! Some ‘me time!’

7. The phrase ‘who’s ready for amateur midget wrestling?’ gets my gardening done.

8. The phrase ‘I don’t know nuthin’ ’bout birthin’ no babies, Miz Scarlett’ prompts Will to make me some delicious strawberry daiquiries and give me a foot massage without tickling my feet.

9. If I do a cartwheel, dance an Irish jig, then spit three times into the wind, every single member of my family gives me a look like this:

We’re still working on this response.