My Yahoo mail account and I have been in an abusive relationship for 10 years now. It started out sweet, as most relationships do. He’d give me cute little emails from long lost high school friends. I’d save the emails and treasure them as if they were handwritten notes on Electric Youth scented Hello Kitty stationary. We were in love.

But as time progressed I noticed he changed. Little things at first. An occasional unsolicited solicitation, offers of car insurance, extreme pornographic images…little things. It was annoying, but cute in a way. At least he cared.

But then he changed a lot. It was like he became obsessed with me…creepy obsessed, not cute obsessed. Dozens of emails a day…from people I didn’t even know! And some of them weren’t even sexual solicitations! That’s when I gave him some space. I started seeing Gmail. And I gave Yahoo his own little folder for his creepytown emails. Still, I couldn’t let him go. Not after all we’d been through…

I was feeling sentimental today, and I decided to visit Yahoo at his little spam house I gave him. And even though I had just deleted all his freakshow emails two days ago, there were over 70 waiting for me when I got there. Over 70 unsolicited, generically addressed emails, sitting quietly, like 70 long stemmed red roses. And even though I actually don’t like roses (and Yahoo knows this) I couldn’t help but be impressed. I almost cried when I read some of his notes:

u think i’m hot? (lol Julie, I’m not even gay!)

Buy cialis, viagra online, save up to 40%! (lol Ira Barker, I don’t know what cialis is!)

Your credit card debt: Action required (This one looked legit. I sent my credit card and social security number right away.)

I’m 30, single and hot. Come and see pictures! (OMGosh! Me too! Except I’m 30 + 1 and married and the hot thing is debatable! Come see my pictures! We can be pen pals!)

Clean your colon. (Just like that huh? Let me tell you something, C olonCleanse, nobody’s cleaning my colon without a little effort. Nobody.)

Add four inches in lenght (Now that’s totally tempting. I’m sick of being short.)

How to get bigger? (Ummm, eat your vegetables?)

How cute is that? Offers to make me taller, cleanse my colon, do some action with my credit card…I think I’m in love again!

PS - I can’t wait to see what sorts of Google searches show up on my website tomorrow. Can’t. Wait.