Dear diary,

1st off, I just wanna thank my precious Lord and Savior for getting me my child porn acquittal. Big ups, Jesus! You my n-word!

2nd of all, I’m gonna just take this opportunity to record my thoughts and feelings after this traumatic time. I never thought all of this could happen to me…I’m just a playa, diary…just a regular baller type playa. I like sex. I like to record myself having sex…so what? I regularly carry a duffel bag full of video tapes of my sexual trysts with 13 year old girls, who doesn’t, diary? Who doesn’t??? I need to get on my knees and thank Jesus some more for his big grace in my life.

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Now I’m back. Jesus said that maybe I should lay low and stop talking to him for awhile. Something tells me he’s not really happy about my acquittal. HOLD UP, Diary. I’m gonna go have some words with my precious Lord and Savior. He can’t dis a playa like that. I’M R. KELLY, FOOL!

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Jesus done turned his white back on me. That’s a’ight diary. He just needs to chill for awhile. No one can hold R. Kelly down. NO ONE! So what did I do to celebrate my acquittal? I did a lot of things. First, I went to my house, I walked up the sidewalk. I opened the door. I walked in the door. I walked into the house. I walked to the refrigerator. I opened the refrigerator door. I got out some juice. I drank some juice from the bottle. The juice tasted rancid. I walked to the pantry where I keep the trash can. I stepped on the thing that opens the lid. I threw the rancid juice bottle in the trash can. I’m gonna go see if Jesus is chill now.

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Jesus says I should be a Muslim. I said ‘You need to stop buggin,’ Jesus! I didn’t do nothing wrong!’ He said, ‘Yeah, actually, you did. Stop referencing me before I smite thee.’ So I’m gonna be a muslim because I need to have someone to thank when I get my Grammys and Jesus ain’t down with my pedophilic ways. We still friends, though. He just don’t know how important I am yet. I’m the Martin Luther King of today. No! I’m the Jesus of today! I should thank MYSELF for my child porn acquittal! Thank you, R. Kelly! Thank you for clearing your name of the things that you actually did with a 13 year old girl! Praise Je-R. Kelly!

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A’ight diary. It’s time for me to go get freaky in the bathroom. Peace. I’m out.