Ben Affleck: Let me just stick…my head…here we go…say cheese!

Scared African child: I’m going to lean back just a little…can someone grab on to my chest and pull me away from this big-headed balloon man?

Happy African child: Shut up and smile. This disembodied floating white head is giving us money.

Unimpressed African child: Someone just grabbed me off the street and put these African clothes up on me. Do you think that white man can call my mom to come and get me?

Scared African child: He doesn’t have any hands, so uhhh…no probably not.

Happy African child: Maybe he could put a pencil in his mouth and dial your number that way. But I’m not gonna ask him. And I’m not holding the phone to his floating balloon head.

Scared African child: Me, neither. You could become a homeless traveling hobo, for all I care. I’m getting myself far away from White Happy Head.

Unimpressed African child: You Africans suck. I’m not scared of this torsoless fool. Watch this…I’m not even going to smile when they take this picture. ‘Sup camera.

Happy African child: You better smile before Ghosthead takes away our money! SMILE! DO IT!

Unimpressed African child: Only if you promise to hold the phone to Decapitated Man’s head after he dials my number with the pencil in his teeth. Do you promise?

Happy African child: I promise! I promise! Just smile! For the love of God….

*CLICK*

Unimpressed African child: I didn’t have time…will you still…

Scared African child: (crickets chirping, frogs croaking, animated dust devil swirls where he once stood.)

Happy African child: Good luck getting home. I’m outtie.

Ben Affleck: Which one of you lucky babies wants to be my new African child? Anyone? Hellloooo?

Unimpressed African child: See you fools later. I’m taking my chances outside on the mean streets of Calgary. See ya, wouldn’t wanna be ya. I mean that literally.

Ben Affleck: You’ll do.

(Picks up Happy African child and cradles him like a baby. Happy African child tries to convey that he is not, in fact, an orphan, but Ben Affleck doesn’t speak African so he doesn’t understand. Also, Happy African child is mightily impressed by Ben Affleck’s ability to carry him without arms, and assumes the white floating happy head is some sort of god or superhero, perhaps one who was blinded by toxic waste, but whose other senses are super-heightened and therefore crazy-powerful. Happy African child decides to take his chances with the Decapitated Superhero. At the very least he could get some cool clothes from Aeropostale out of the deal.

The End.