No. I didn’t get my invite to the star-studded and utterly glamorous premiere of The Dark Knight (no thanks to you, Christian Bale. Looks like I should have sent all my hundreds of 3:10 to Yuma fan art to Russell Crowe.) So I haven’t actually seen the movie in a theater yet. No biggie. It turns out there’s this thing called the internet, and if you type in the right words, you can see anything you’ve ever wanted to see in your entire lifetime. Such as this:

Being a member of the ‘computer’ generation, I don’t need no stinkin’ theatrical release to watch The Dark Knight. I just found it on youtube. Here’s the part where I write a serious review of the movie, even though I don’t know how to do that exact task, because I’m not good at paying attention to things that are put in front of me. LOL ADD.

THEME

Let’s begin with the obvious. What was the overall theme, metaphorically speaking, of The Dark Knight? I wouldn’t know because I fell asleep. But I did see those old Batman movies and their themes always had something to do with frequent punning, which also happens to be the themes of all 007 movies. Therefore, the theme of The Dark Knight is probably ‘Don’t do bad things or Batman will scrape your face off.’ Wait. That’s not a pun, is it? And maybe I don’t actually have a good grasp of the world ‘theme.’ Moving on…

SET AND COSTUMES

Oh man, they sucked. They didn’t just suck, they suuuuuuuuuuucked. First of all, why is everyone bowing at the altar of Christopher Nolan and his dark vision for Batman anyway? ‘Oh, Christopher Nolan is soooo brilliant!’ ‘Let’s just worship Christopher Nolan and sell our souls to the devil for the chance to touch the hem of his dark, dark pants!’ ‘I wish both of my parents were dead and Christopher Nolan would adopt me and my siblings!’ These are things I hear in my own household everyday, y’all. Every. Day. But after I watched The Dark Knight, I was gleefully reminded of how easily the mighty may fall. Nolan must have been experimenting with some wackjob timeframe for this particular movie, because the costumes and green screen backdrops all have a early 20th century feel. Which is cool, I guess, if you’re going to give some back story, but Mr. Nolan couldn’t be bothered. Good luck getting that Oscar, chump.

PLOT

Definitely the weirdest part of the movie was trying to follow the plot. It was all over the place. One minute we’re watching a bunch of kids dancing highly choreographed numbers in the middle of New York, the next we’re in medieval England. Maybe I couldn’t follow because I’m not a rocket scientist. Or maybe because I was drunk. Either way, does not compute. For example, check this out this scene where Batman mobilizes his fellow Batmen in a strike against Joseph Pulitzer and William Randolph Hearst:

It doesn’t make sense, right? Is it me? I *get* that they’re trying to give a realistic portrayal of what life in Gotham (NYC) is really like, and I *get* that spontaneous choreographed street dancing is just part of the gritty day-to-day life in the mean city. Kudos for getting that part right. But, HELLOOOOO, where’s the Batmobile? Or any cars for that matter? And why is EVERYONE wearing a vest? Is this the new Batman costume? Are all those guys Robins? I NEED ANSWERS, CHRISTOPHER NOLAN!

PERFORMANCES

Everyone’s all agog with the late Heath Ledger’s performance. Me, not so much. But more on him in a minute. The true downfall of the entire movie, in my opinion, was Mr. Christian Bale’s ATROCIOUS re-imagining of Bruce Wayne. Gone is the gruff, debonair, reclusive playboy. In is his place is this thickly-Brooklyn-accented song and dance man who can’t walk two blogs without bustin’ a move. Here is a dialect-accurate excerpt from his dialogue:

“Pulitzer and Hoist have to respect the rights of the woiking boys of New Ywoik!”

Wowza. He must be using what they call ‘method acting.’ And who are all these other little Batmen? And where are their masks? And, ps, they suck at catching bad guys…they aren’t even trying! Seriously, this is probably the worst movie I’ve ever seen in my entire life. And I’ve seen Xanadu.

On to Mr. Heath Ledger. Oscar schmoscar. I know you’re not supposed to speak ill of the dead, but I’ll just pretend that rule doesn’t exist when I say this fool did NOT deliver an Oscar worthy performance in The Dark Knight. I’d stake my youngest child on that fact. Seriously. Someone come and get her if he wins that Oscar. But he won’t. Because his Joker was so ridiculously unbelievable that the Oscar folks would have to be high out of their minds to give him an award for it. I keep seeing reviews using the words ‘mesmerizing’ and ‘psychotic’ and ‘Dear God above, was Heath Ledger actually your son return to earth and we blew it again?’ But when I watch this clip of The Joker teaching everyone The Joker Dance I just see a charming bloke faking his way through medieval society. (looks up to heaven) Where’s the angst, Mr. Ledger?

Clearly, Mr. Nolan doesn’t know what the hellz he’s doing when it comes to making movies. Clearly, I am the only one on earth who sees through his charade. And in conclusion, I clearly deserve that Oscar for pointing out the farcicalness of all this Batmania. The end.

And oh yeah, I give it four stars.

*****