Narrative of a not-quite triathloner.
Aug 1st, 2008 by Kristi
This is how I jog. Not to be read on a full stomach.
Alright. When I get to this tree, I’m going to start. I’m going to jog. Here…we…goooo….let’s walk until the stop sign first. Then we’ll jog. Why am I saying ‘we?’ I will jog. Me. Right. Now.
I begin my knock-kneed shuffle/jog.
Easy. This is suuuper easy. I could totally make it around the neighborhood. Here I go into the condo section. Look at those people. Wonder what they’re doing. Don’t look at my jiggly butt, you perverts. Freaks. My shins hurt. Wonder if I have shinsplits? Or is it shinsplints? Shinsplits suck! Dear Lord, my chest! There’s phlegm creeping into my throat from my chest! If I make it to the Asian house, I’m totally going to spit onto the ground like a redneck tobacco girl. I can make it, I can make it, I can make it…right, left, right, left, right, left…I HATE JOGGING THIS SUCKS WHAT AM DOING OUT HERE GOOD GOD I’M GOING TO DIE!!!!!!! Asian house. Time to walk.
This is the part where I walk at a very leisurely pace. I pass my house and take my sweet ol’ time crawling toward the stop sign, where I’ll begin to jog once more.
Already? Ugh. Time..to..start. Alright. Little winded already. I feel like my back fat is flapping. How did I even *get* back fat? Flap, flap, flap. This is good. This is good motivation to keep going. Except that I don’t want to think about my back fat. Or my blobby belly. Uh-oh…condo neighbors. Look down. Don’t look at them. They are judging your back fat. Why are my legs so heavy? It’s not even like I’m lifting them that high off the ground. I’m practically rollerskating with my shuffle jog. I need a better sports bra. WHY AM I SO JIGGLY? Nanananana gettin’ jiggly wit it. Heh. I better not tell Will I made that joke in my head. Asian house. Stop.
This is the part where I apologize for not clarifying the layout of my neighborhood in the first place. Our house is on a loop, probably like your house, except maybe your house is in a grid-like neighborhood. I wouldn’t know because I’ve never been to your house. You’ve never invited me. Our subdivision has a loop, and there’s all sorts of houses and condos on the loop. Three times around the loop makes two miles. I used to think it was one mile, but that was based on crap information from a neighbor who didn’t know what he was talking about (or I misheard him.) Three times is two miles. On this loop is a beautiful house with a decidedly Asian decor. The house is not owned by Asian people. I would not call it the Asian house if it were owned by Asian people. The proof of this fact is that I do not call the house owned by the one Asian family in the neighborhood ‘the Asian house.’ I don’t call it anything. Continuing.
I am so awesome for doing this third lap. I totally could have gone inside, but I didn’t. I’m like a freakin’ athlete or something. What’s that one race people do? Triathloner. I’m like a triathloner but without the swimming or biking or unicycling or whatever those guys do. Time to jog. Oh wow. The wheezing started right away this time. I am not a triathloner. I was only deluding myself. Maybe I could be a biathloner. If the two events were walking and shuffling. Or sitting and reading. Or breathing and blinking. Jog, jog, jog…there’s no way I’m making it to the Asian house. I wonder what people would think if we suddenly made our house into the African house, and put up tribal totems or something in our yard? That would be awesome. Condo people. Yeah, this is my third lap, that’s right, keep staring! I don’t see you out here running your elderly butts around the place! Heh. I said ‘butts.’ And oh…those guys do bike around the neighborhood quite frequently. My bad. They’re actually pretty fit looking. Left, right, left, right…I wonder if my arms look retarded. I never know what to do with them. I run with my arms high up over my head and do spirit fingers the whole way around the neighborhood. Or make longhorn fingers at everyone, like I’m celebrating a UT victory. Ha! I didn’t even go to UT! Asian house. Stop.
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You. Are. Funny.
I needed that giggle to start my day.
Trying to picture your back fat was, well, disturbing.
I so relate to the “I’m a freakin’ athlete or something.” If I go two days in a row, I wonder when Olympic tryouts are.
the first time i jogged after having my first kid i legitimately thought i was being chased. it turned out the reprecussion of my ass was loud enough to make me think that someone was RIGHT behind me. *sigh*
Funny, funny - and you’re invited over just as soon as you can get here. Well, wait. Not in the next two weeks, cause we’re going on vacation, and then not in September or October because my parents will be here…maybe after Christmas. But you’re invited, ‘k? Invited.
On another note entirely…..phlegm in your throat when you run hey? Do you have exercise-induced asthma? (Only asking cause that’s a symptom and I get that when I run too.) BOO!
Sweet Mother Of Pearl. I read this outloud to my husband and was laughing so hard that I was unable to speak coherently. HAHAHA.
You run like I do! I mean would. If I ran. Maybe when I’m not pregnant anymore, yeah, that’s it.
That is so funny. Seriously.
And you are totally invited to my house anytime you are in Nowheresville, Texas. You and all your kids. And Will. It’ll be just like college and I will steamroll you with no clothes on. But not your kids. Or Will.
HO Dears. Now the WHOLE world knows that my former college roommate used to jump on my bed and naked steamroll me while I cowered under the covers, crying quietly. I’m totally taking you up on a future visit in Nowheresville. I’ll just warn my daughters about the possibility that your girls might accost them in the middle of the night. NO BIGGIE.
PS: In spite of (or because of?) naked steamrolling, Snadrs was definitely my favorite college roommate. I have issues.
I run *exactly* like that too, except with a dog who is perpetually embarrassed by me.
I’m pretty sure this is exactly the kind of training that Michale Phelps does.
You are too funny! In some strange way, your post has inspired me to take up jogging. Maybe. Or maybe not.
This is exactly why I don’t run. That and the fact that I don’t want to disturb all of those clothes laying on my treadmill.
Excellent post! You Rock!
I’m totally up for that reading/sitting biathlon. Where do I register?
[...] August 13, 2008 by Marste This is too funny! Go here. [...]
Ha ha! That was hilarious.
You get a lot further in your intense whatever-athalon training than I do. I think about exercising; then I open the front door and immediately feel winded because of the wave of hot, humid (Texas) air that hits me in the face, and my only exercise for the day is closing the door as quickly as I can (feels — so — heavy) and then setting the A/C a few degrees lower so that I can recover. Whew.
Yu r a funny, funny lady.
[...] Baby Fat Pounds are Sooooo Lining This Written by Märia on August 13, 2008 – 8:03 pm - http://www.here-in-idaho.com/2008/08/01/narrative-of-a-not-quite-triathloner/ Posted in Uncategorized [...]
Thank you for bringing me to my senses! I have friends who have talking about their ‘ivigorating daily jogs’ and I’ve been thinking maybe I should give jogging another try. I shouldn’t. I never did jog. I did the shuffle-pant-complain thing. Hope it’s working for you.
BTW, you are hilarious.
omigoodness, that was totally hysterical! I sooo feel your pain. I’ve taken up doing exercise DVD’s in the morning and I stall with watching the news, and doing this and that, and then close all the blinds so no potentially nosey spying neighbors can happen to glance in and see my jiggly wiggly body (sidenote, our neighbors are awesome and wouldn’t ever just be snooping in the windows, but I somehow just feel better knowing they can’t see anything, even if they were ever to try…LOL!!)
Keep the good work. You’ve got to start somewhere!
THAT was hilarious!
You must be ripped to have gone around more than once…I wouldn’t have made the second lap.
Plus there is the little problem of front flappage. It’s hard to run when ‘the girls’ keep threatening to punch you in the eyes.
Oh good heavens, I’m hyperventilating over here! I’m working a night shift, trying to be quiet cause it’s just me and the guy I take care of, but I’m snorting I’m laughing so hard! I’m all for the blinking and breathing biatholon!!!
P. S. Took your advice not to read on a full stomach. Now, time to go fill ‘er up!!! I think I lost a significant number of calories laughing over here…a laughothon is what your post provides.
HILARIOUS!
I so get the back fat!
That was pretty funny. But all I keep thinking is wow - and I’ve promised myself I would start working out again on Monday. Maybe I’ll rethink that now!
Just have to say hello! I found you through “Navel Gazing at its Finest,” and this post? Was freakin’ high-larious!
Thanks for writing this. I think I just pee’d my pants laughing . Which unfortunately also happens while running.
Hee, hee! I’m so glad there are other sane people out there (you know, people who don’t like jogging). I was a regular jogger in college for a while before I finally got through to my delusional brain: you hate jogging, you big loser! Go read a book!
oh.
my.
word.
i think you are my new best friend!
that was absolutely freakin hilarious- and SO something i would be saying in my head ‘if’ i jogged.
Totally snorting milk out of my nose. That is, if I were drinking mild.
THIS IS HILARIOUS…and sounds oddly similar to the thoughts in my head when I exercise, except I don’t have an Asian house, nor to I jog, but sounds really close to my thoughts.
That was way better than the Olympics.
i found you by way of navel gazing … and i about peed my pants while reading this - i totally relate! thanks for a great big belly laugh and good luck! you go girl!
this post is hysterical and totally relatable - thanks for the laugh!
One time I even subscribed to a Runners magazine hoping it would help me get motivated. They all just ended up in my bathroom…and I’m still 70 pounds overweight. HA!
Thanks for the laugh!